Sunday, March 21, 2010

Albert Einstein.

  1. Follow Your Curiosity. "I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious."
  2. Perseverance is Priceless. "It's not that I'm so smart; it's just that I stay with problems longer."
  3. Focus on the Present. "Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."
  4. The Imagination is Powerful. "Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions. Imagination is more important than knowledge."
  5. Make Mistakes. "A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."
  6. Live in the Moment. "I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."
  7. Create Value. "Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value."
  8. Don't Expect Different Results. "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
  9. Knowledge Comes From Experience. "Information is not knowledge. The only source of knowledge is experience."
  10. Learn the Rules and Then Play Better. "You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.
I'm a big fan of this excerpt. Naturally, I found it stumbling late at night, but it really struck a chord with me. It reminded me of things I should be doing and how I should be living. I remember when I used to daydream in class, want to experience anything and everything, and lived caring about what my plans were for later. Now, I tend to shy away from experiences because I wonder "what if" or think I won't be good at something. I stress about my future and am scared if I'll ever get there or if I'll do it right. It's smart to set goals and strive toward them, but even if I don't get exactly what I want, I need to accept it's not failure. It's life. It's a surprise. It's an opportunity. There is no way you can do life wrong, just do life. Life is something that goes on, and it's all how you decide to participate it in the day to day. So many people plan for the future, think ahead saying "when I grow up..." Well I am finally realizing that "grown up" doesn't mean a college degree or a career or a savings or a fancy car or my own place. I need a life of experience and do what I need to do for myself. Because all you can control is yourself, so I'm no longer going to live worrying about approval of things I choose to do. I would never choose something for myself that I thought wouldn't be a positive experience in some sense, so I'm going to just lay off and trust ME, and MY choices and intuitions.
First order of business, my health. I'm feeling better physically and I need to continue this trend. I'm going to eat healthy, but not limit anything I want. I'm going to exercise regularly, but by no set guideline or plan. I'm going to tan on occasion, but not to "get the glow", I just really enjoy the feeling and pick me up. It's an indulgence. Wow, I just reread this and even now I feel the need to justify my choices, how crazy! I'm writing to myself, I shouldn't be questioning what I'm deciding. Hmm, I feel another list coming on to check in and reacquaint me with myself.

Hi I'm Elaine. i like dogs. i like history. i like to play outside. i like to climb around in the woods. i like to read books in the sun. 80 degrees and slightly humid is a great day to me. i want to volunteer in an animal shelter. i want to travel the world and taste it's cuisines. i want to talk to people about their stories. i want to build a school in honduras. i want to teach english in Russia. i want my job to be pleasurable, to add to my life, not BE my life. MY life will consist of travel, animals, food, people, and writing. And hopefully someone who challenges me as a human; who pushes my limits spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically. That's what I want/think about on a daily basis. It may change, but for now this is my desires and dreams and things I enjoy doing.

I used to be a cynical, senseless girl over the matter of love. Now I realize that it is the only emotion that makes people tick. They pursue things they love, be it people or jobs or money or whatever. I love late night blogging. i love my dogs. I love my family. I'm beginning to love myself. Soon, I'll begin to love and accept others, because I'm close to achieving it personally. I don't think I'll ever be a person who is ever quite "full of love" or maybe someone who quite falls in love, but I do feel it. Atleast I know I have that capability now. Interesting conclusion to come to...hmm I never knew I even had that thought kicking around. I do love, but n my own way. And seriously, everyone loves in their own way. Some do it out loud, full and passionate and everyone can see it and know it's there. I used to think I didn't love because I never felt the need to do that. But now I'm learning who I am and how I love. I guess it's quietly, a deep admiration and respect of someone or something that hold my boundless curiosity. And a sense of comfort and above all, trust. Trust is everything.

Well this was great, I really needed a check in again. Now I have to go out there and experience and take everything in so I can write it all down. I need documentation of my little revelations, I enjoy analyzing them. ::sighs:: What a load off my shoulders! And all because of a few Einstein quotes. Thanks again, Stumbleupon!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

sleepless and at it again.

ok yeah, at that moment of that last bizarre post i did feel dark and moody. i do feel lost sometimes and panicking at not knowing myself. but really who does? if you say you do you're a fool. people who pretend to know things are fools.

my last post was just my mind trash again, blowing around and needing to get out. i may not quite know me, but i know elements of myself.

-im 21 years old.
-i love martha's vineyard
-i love warm weather
-i love very open skies
-i love the beach
-i love to read
-i love to find new things
-i love sharing secrets
-i love poems
-i love restaurants
-i love dogs
-i love to travel
-i love to create
-i love quotes
-i love antiques
-i love personal connections
-i love to laugh
-i love the feeling of hope
-i love exercise
-i love to pretend

this is just a reminder for myself. im tired of always forgetting.
i think i get hung up on little things. like phrases and innuendos; small details.

i forget about the big picture.

curse of the jeweler.

LOST GIRL. REWARD $$$

tips of fingers spring
sunshine rays and
intimacy

on warm beach sands
in hot upstair rooms
laughter and dreams ring like bells
in my mind sacristy.

as pure as rose petals and moonlight
as still as december nights
as lovely as a broken heart
for they're the brave ones.


forest paths, and open skies
deep briny breaths and starry eyes
roaring engines and highway signs
fast music and neon skylines
pink lightning and train rides
falling ... in what everytime?

ive had such a struggle lately with what i believe in regarding people, feelings, whats real and what is not. initmacy is real. the spirit of a person is real. is it possible to love? i feel like i can't discuss words i don't understand. is love and intimacy the same thing? i know they sort of go hand in hand but is there any difference? and when i say intimacy i don't mean sex. i mean a connection. a secret shared is intimate. a deep conversation can be intimate. a dream is intimate.

i remember a time when life was laced with intimacies. and sun and light and easy feelings. when the world looked like floral print and felt like warm cotton linens on clotheslines.

things these days are dark and heavy. full of weight careful words decisions and regrets holding back "what ifs" and dirty cobwebs. resistance and comparisons. expectations that i will never meet.

in hopes of finding something better, im trying to be something im not.
everyone else remembers me, but i forgot.

i forget most things.

im frustrated because to me this feel strange. tense hard something i have to learn.
when i always thought i would just know. but turns out i dont know anything.

except that im not very brave i guess.

i think im destined to be a crazy cat lady. too bad im allergic.




Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Felt Like Making A List.


HMMM...

fuck I can't even start this again....what the hell I NEED to write something soon or I'm going to explode why can't I articulate anything.

who am i
what are we doing
where am i going
how do i get there
why do i feel the need to go there
why do i make EVERYTHING harder than it needs to be.
where have you been
where have i been
and where does life go from here

it just goes i guess
so i guess that means i do too.
wish i knew where it will lead to.

scratch that no i don't. i think i'd deny it anyways, or not accept it.

wow i don't accept much of anything...

i need to quit hiding.

i feel like a 4 year old trying to learn to manage her emotions and put them into words.
Nothing like teaching an old dog new tricks.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Snooze.

I have a lot to write about but every time I start this post, my mind wanders or it sounds like I'm just rehashing things I've done. It feels like I'm not experiencing much of anything, and I'm feeling a bit stuck on auto-pilot these last few weeks. I'm excited for school though to start back up. I like having a goal and working towards it.

I'm going back to the gym and it's felt great. I like feeling and seeing my body change. It's fascinating how quickly it reacts to changes in food and exercise.

I can't even be serious about this post. My mind is cloudy and busy with thoughts of this week and now the future, which I'm actually starting to think about. If my mind isn't foggy about the past, it's racing about the future. I really need to just live in the moment. I'm getting better at it and when I do it, it feels great.

Blah, I keep rereading this and I can't even find my voice in this post. ELAINE, FOCUS.

School will get my thoughts running again hopefully. Because this feels empty and dull.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Kiss me. I want you to.


"I bare my windowed self untamed and untrained
Dreams that hardly touch our complexions truest faults
If room enough for both my drowsy spirit shall fall
Bold waves tumble oh to the season of my heart
And you have offended my faith and my trust
Until all is lost into the beauty of the day
Until all is lost, until all is lost

But there's something in the way you laugh
And it makes me feel like a child
Aspects of life they confuse me
You and your thesis amuse me
Oh, after and afternoon with yo
u."