Thursday, October 29, 2009

Black holes and dark matter.

I think it's time to comment on some of my crazy dreams I have because lately they have become more and more bizarre, but more and more alike. Last night I had a dream I was talking to Rory, but he was mostly just talking and I was listening, with tears running down my face. Yet, in my dream I wasn't sad, in fact I wasn't really anything, I was just trying to figure out what it was he was saying. I then noticed in the dream he was peeling through an onion, so I figured I was teary eyed because of the onion. He kept asking me why I was upset and I kept insisting I was fine if only he'd stop peeling the onion. Then he looked up and I realized he had no eyes and he asked "what onion"? and I woke up.

A week or two ago I watched in my dream my 6 year old self beat up essentially her twin while I fought what seemed to be my twin. As we kicked and swung at eachother, in my old Abington apartment from when I was very little, she stopped and asked what waswrong with my eyes. It was then that I realized both me and one of the 6 yr old versions of me had no eyes...just black holes.

I asked my mom what she thought and she suggested maybe I fear people not seeing me for who I really am, or a sense of not being able to see things for myself. I don't like to think of these dreams as a manifestation of any type of fear though, because I know I have nothing to fear in my life. Unfortunately though I am feeling rather under accomplished and find myself struggling to stay positive. Who am I kidding, I feel utterly clueless. I just feel aimless and circling. I KNOW life is a "circle" but I HATE thinking of it like that, I want to march forward, straight line going straight up. Circles just make me dizzy.

Someone in math told me today that there are two types of people in the world. One type will stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon and gasp at the splendor that nature created and see only beauty and magic. The other will throw a few rocks down and say "it's a big hole".

I hope something strikes me when I see it.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Norwell and Scituate Backroads in Fall.

"Love all, trust few, do wrong to none."

I usually think you're a little sappy and redundant in your writing, and I find you hard to quote seriously at times, but you hit the nail on the head here. Thanks, I needed that while swimming in Literature homework.

I'm bored and just wanted to post, though I hate posts that say nothing. I don't know sometimes they're needed.

I'm in a pleasant mood. I had a very rough week questioning EVERYTHING, but looking back I know a lot more now I feel like. I have opened up the discussions about my future with my parents, family, and others that are important in my life. I'm realizing I can't internalize my fears about it, and it's better to ask someone who has had more experience. I don't know where exactly life will take me but I know a few things for sure. I want to write in life. I want to be in Boston, living in Boston, at some point sooner rather than later. It's what I planned when I was sixteen and has been my plan ever since so I will make that a reality. I want my life's work to include reading and religion and history. I want to keep questioning things and then see things for myself. Contrary to my own prior belief, I would love to have a family someday, and I realized that this afternoon watching the kids. There was something about waiting at the end of their driveway under a red maple, looking around the corner for the lethargic yellow bus to come spit them out. No matter what Nick and Mia's day entails, they love coming home and are excited to see me standing there. They know I'm going to make sure their homework is neat, their apples have no skin, and that they have "extra crispy crust" on any chicken pot pie I ever make them. When I'm no longer a selfish, wandering, cynical 20 something year old, I think I could make an excellent mother.
Until then, I hope my upcoming days are filled with learning, destinations, progression, dreams, new memories, and busy activities.

This weekend will be fun and stress free. I'll live it right.

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Sun Came Out.

Nannies and Grampies make everything feel better. I think I'll stay for a spell in South Carolina this winter, either winter or spring break. My grandparents venture down for the entire winter (they live life right) and stay in Hilton Head, so I think for a week or so I'll tag along. That will give me something to look forward to. Plus, I'll be 21, and wine with old card games and stories about old NH vacations would be the relaxation I need after this semester.

I love that I'm writing when I feel like I need it, but it distracts me in my day so much. I need to save it for late nights, but then again I won't sleep. Today I should've been very busy with cleaning but I don't know where to start or pick up where I left off. So many things to donate, sort, find a home for, or get rid of. I want it to look brand new, because right now I feel like I'm 18 in it.

I was thinking how I subconsciously change everything in my life at the same time. When I was ten, I changed schools, changed rooms, and changed friends. When I got my first real job I changed my room too, and the last time I changed my room I was seventeen and I completely gutted and rebuilt that thing. I think I also started Marylous around that time. I'm a firm believer in when you have a cluttered rom you have a cluttered mind. Too bad my now cluttered mind keeps me from fixing this crazy room.
I need organizational skills desperately.

I like the point made to me last night that Halloween should start the new year. It will for me from here on out because what better time to kick off a new beginning then in a transition month of seasons changing, with a holiday where no one cares and everyones becomse EXACTLY what they want to be? It's fantastic. I had a lovely Halloween last year and met some of the coolest and most enlightened people and learned alot and had a lot of fun. I feel like it essentially continued since then, and now a year later I keep learning and gaining new ideas, which is how I want all of my days to be lived. Though I am irrational at times and overly opinionated about certain things I adore hearing what everyone else has to say about anything. We all look at the same picture, just behind different lenses.

Life's ok today.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Postcard Perfect

I think I need to get motivated.

I drove through the beautiful backroads of Duxbury, Scituate, Hingham, Pembroke and other towns this morning in the pouring gray rain. But even still I found the little fences and colonial fields and brilliant foliage to stand out and charm me. I fell in love with the ease of the drive, the quiet of the dawn and the need for me to find happiness in all the things I once loved and still do. I want to be everything I am and nothing I'm not. I was told today by a dear friend that this is a very weird time in everyone's life, so I don't feel so alone and marooned with all the questions I have and the overwhelming sensations I sometimes feel. Mostly it is with the future, but I know if I work to stay motivated and clear minded then things naturally fall into place. I just know that when I look back on my life, I want it to show progression and a steady incline, with very little plateaus or drop offs.

As much as I am romanticized by New England scenery, I can feel stagnation setting in again. I think I am turning more and more into a little old lady at heart, when the cold weather sneaks in, I want to sneak out and be warm and keep up my productivity and happiness in a warmer climate. I searched for housing and education in the Southwest today. I was nervous doing so,but I really would like a change, even for only a year. So many others have changed their worlds in one solitary year, I would like to as well. Sometimes the best part of a story is the setting.

I'm on a quest to find what makes me happy all the time. I know constant happiness is a stretch and everyone has their off days, but I'd like to feel a sense of completion somewhere. No more loose ends or "unfinished business". I never want to question emptiness in my life ever again, and I never want to compromise who I am, which I felt I might have done lately. No guilt, no regret, no wondering, and no repressed feelings. Everyone be honest with everyone else, myself included.

I think I'll take up cooking, painting, and more reading. I find them to be the most therapeutic lately. I made a lovely soup the other day with all sorts of vegetables and beans and great spices, I was really impressed! I also finished it off by baking some delicious peanut butter cookies with a plum sweet all on a rainy afternoon, and I truly enjoyed myself. I need to work on baking some things from scratch, I used to do that often, but have fallen out of the habit. Time management is also something I'll work on developing.


P.S. I looked at teachoverseas again... Russia still has my heart!