Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Felt Like Making A List.


fuck I can't even start this again....what the hell I NEED to write something soon or I'm going to explode why can't I articulate anything.

who am i
what are we doing
where am i going
how do i get there
why do i feel the need to go there
why do i make EVERYTHING harder than it needs to be.
where have you been
where have i been
and where does life go from here

it just goes i guess
so i guess that means i do too.
wish i knew where it will lead to.

scratch that no i don't. i think i'd deny it anyways, or not accept it.

wow i don't accept much of anything...

i need to quit hiding.

i feel like a 4 year old trying to learn to manage her emotions and put them into words.
Nothing like teaching an old dog new tricks.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


I have a lot to write about but every time I start this post, my mind wanders or it sounds like I'm just rehashing things I've done. It feels like I'm not experiencing much of anything, and I'm feeling a bit stuck on auto-pilot these last few weeks. I'm excited for school though to start back up. I like having a goal and working towards it.

I'm going back to the gym and it's felt great. I like feeling and seeing my body change. It's fascinating how quickly it reacts to changes in food and exercise.

I can't even be serious about this post. My mind is cloudy and busy with thoughts of this week and now the future, which I'm actually starting to think about. If my mind isn't foggy about the past, it's racing about the future. I really need to just live in the moment. I'm getting better at it and when I do it, it feels great.

Blah, I keep rereading this and I can't even find my voice in this post. ELAINE, FOCUS.

School will get my thoughts running again hopefully. Because this feels empty and dull.