Friday, May 21, 2010

I post the same crap over and over.

Well, I haven't written one of these for a while. I've had the urge to for quite some time, but my thinking hasn't been very clear and my view on things were rather negative. Unfortunately they still are I suppose.

I'm just starting to realize what little my home has left to offer me. I feel like so many things in my life are failing rather than flourishing. My health, my relationships, my desire for school, etc. Even things I used to love to do feel more like chores. I know it's just me being stressed about how I'm feeling with my health, but it's hard to keep a clear mind when you feel like you're swimming alone in the deep end. I need to go back to when I had solid support and good people in my life. Not that who I surround myself now aren't nice people, but that's just it. I feel replaceable to them and sometimes they do to me as well. I'd like to have some kind of intimacy with different people back in my life. Personal connections shouldn't be something that feels few and far between.

Catherine and I went for a drive a few days ago. I like when we do this because even though we seem to lead the exact opposite lives, we deal with many of the same questions and issues. The sun was hazy and my car was hot and Lady Gaga was on the radio. We were discussing different times when our lives did complete 180's, when we had something that seemed good but said "screw this" and did something totally different. I remember mine clearly, in 24 hrs I quit my full time job, abandoned a long term commitment, and took off to Martha's Vineyard on a whim to stay with an old lady. It led to a perfect summer of sun, laughter, adventure and just me. It was perfect because I found a summer of love, but it was a love for myself. I felt like I finally had a grasp on who I was and I had never felt more happy with it. And it was because the people I was around were like minded and level headed and wanted to experience things as well. These days I don't feel that anymore. Maybe I'm not being receptive to it, I don't know but I don't want to feel replaceable. I'd like to feel special to someone again.

Maybe I'm in a rut. Maybe I'm just a whiny brat. Maybe I'm dead on with the way I'm feeling. All I know is I guess I don't want to be completely alone like I thought long before, I'd like to have something to fall back on without feeling judged or worry about what they think. Conversations don't happen as easily as I would like them to. And other conversations need to happen, but I can't seem to spit them out.

I think I'm going to try something different again. I've been saying this for a while now, but I never sit still for very long, and this has felt like an eternity. The cold won't do anymore, and the West always held such promise for our ancestors.

Manifest destiny, right? Yee haw.