i never ask for it.

help.

Kiss me. I want you to.

"I bare my windowed self untamed and untrained
Dreams that hardly touch our complexions truest faults
If room enough for both my drowsy spirit shall fall
Bold waves tumble oh to the season of my heart
And you have offended my faith and my trust
Until all is lost into the beauty of the day
Until all is lost, until all is lost

But there's something in the way you laugh
And it makes me feel like a child
Aspects of life they confuse me
You and your thesis amuse me
Oh, after and afternoon with you."

Small revelation? Or square one?

Even though it was getting late and my hangover wasn't getting any better, I couldn't bring myself to go home. The digital bank sign let me know that it was 19 degrees out, and the world looked like a scene from a Christmas postcard. I drove straight for a very long time.

I kept asking questions in my head, and I just got more questions.

When I finally found my way home, I wanted this. Just this. Alone, in my room with quiet music, dim lighting and my thoughts.

Every single song on my pandora station puts me on the verge of tears. Everyday I go through I find myself at one point seconds away from misty eyes. When did this start happening? I feel like I turned 20 and everything went to shit. And I ask myself why and all I get are contradictions and more questions and feelings of suspicion and doubt and fear and this is not me. This can't be who I really am. I've been so many different things but never once someone full of fear. Or was I always full of fear but never dug deep enough to see it? And if that is the case what do I fear? Failing? So instead of trying at things, and having them fail I never try at all.

I dont have enough faith in myself. I'm always assuming the worst. How are you supposed to live? Picturing forever or for now? God, I hate this. I hate being so full of doubt with everything in my life. So does this mean that I'm clearly doing something wrong? I hate not being able to connect with anything or anyone. I expect the worst constantly, yet I know that will only bring the worst. . . I keep too much to myself, but if I open up too much I feel vulnerable, but to what? I couldn't tell you. Maybe I have been existing on auto pilot for years and now I'm just coming off of it and trying to sort through so many emotions that I've never wanted to feel and others I've never felt before. And I know everyone else is scared too, and growing up is daunting but why do I look around and it seems like everyone else can do it just fine, but I can't seem to grasp it. I feel like it won't come for me, that I'll be stuck in school forever, that I'll never find happiness.

I don't know what makes me truly happy. I always think grass is greener elsewhere and I'm ready to find it at all times. Is that the way to exist? Sure I'll see alot of things and go different places, but I'll never be content. Will anyone? Does everyone think the grass is greener elsewhere? Or have people already found happiness. And if they have, how? Have they just settled? Have they just stopped wondering what else is out there? Or did they never think like that to begin with? Why do I have this constant and consuming feeling of "this can't be all there is" ? Then again what if what I see is all there is, and I just haven't realized that yet. So since I know my quest is a neverending one, always leading to more questions, does that mean I should just settle? But that feels like a life wasted. So live life always searching or live life always wondering?

Both are a circle.

So after that ridiculous rant I've only come up with one definite.

Funny how it's the one thing I hate.

stupid.

I have a headache and my stomach feels like there is snakes inside it.
I'm so tired and I don't know why.
I feel like I'm thinking too much and not prioritizing correctly.
Christmas is so soon and I can't bring myself to want to buy anyone anything.
And I don't want a thing from anyone.
Lately, I just want to be left alone.
I have no reason to feel this way, but it is how I feel.
Looking around, society today just sickens me.
I think I should have been born 100 years ago.

I'm done for now.

VOID IF REMOVED.

you don't know me.

GET ME OUT I HAVE SOMETHING TO FIND.

I want to write so bad but I don't know where to start, what to say, I have everything to say... but today isn't a day to write. Too much. Too heavy. Emotional thinking isn't clean thinking, it's saturated and heavy and dirty and sits in your chest.

When I do feel something it's so fleeting and hard it's like a lightning strike. And it doesn't even click until you find yourself staring up, with melted shoes.

i'm just typing. come tomorrow i'll be thinking completely different.

but for now there isn't anything i don't find repulsive.

excellent word for my feelings: repulsed.

k bye.

Memory Carcass.

Well here I am again. And it's where I always want to be.
Everyone's asleep, everything is dark. The glow of a computer screen is all I need.
And my unbridled mind.

Tonight my thoughts are circling vultures in my brain, picking at memory carcasses.

Remember how cool and hard the rock was against our backs?
How the night skies swallowed us like a whale?
The waves roared like our laughter.
Eyes catching moonlight and flames.
Sugary fingers
Warm sand.
Friends.

And simple senses.

Remember the white laced curtains in the stuffy antique room?
Your four overnight bags and a squeaky pull out couch from 1973?
Giggling all night and paintings of babies and ships.
Beaches and shooting stars and ferries and fun.
You will realize the only love in life that matters,
Is to love living.

Reflect on those days and feel infinite.
Examine today and know
Infinite more will come.

Life is the ocean.
Run splashing in, full speed, and she'll resist you.
Walk slowly, know how she ebbs and flows, and she'll take you
To what you want to see.