Norwell and Scituate Backroads in Fall.

"Love all, trust few, do wrong to none."

Shakespeare,
I usually think you're a little sappy and redundant in your writing, and I find you hard to quote seriously at times, but you hit the nail on the head here. Thanks, I needed that while swimming in Literature homework.

I'm bored and just wanted to post, though I hate posts that say nothing. I don't know sometimes they're needed.

I'm in a pleasant mood. I had a very rough week questioning EVERYTHING, but looking back I know a lot more now I feel like. I have opened up the discussions about my future with my parents, family, and others that are important in my life. I'm realizing I can't internalize my fears about it, and it's better to ask someone who has had more experience. I don't know where exactly life will take me but I know a few things for sure. I want to write in life. I want to be in Boston, living in Boston, at some point sooner rather than later. It's what I planned when I was sixteen and has been my plan ever since so I will make that a reality. I want my life's work to include reading and religion and history. I want to keep questioning things and then see things for myself. Contrary to my own prior belief, I would love to have a family someday, and I realized that this afternoon watching the kids. There was something about waiting at the end of their driveway under a red maple, looking around the corner for the lethargic yellow bus to come spit them out. No matter what Nick and Mia's day entails, they love coming home and are excited to see me standing there. They know I'm going to make sure their homework is neat, their apples have no skin, and that they have "extra crispy crust" on any chicken pot pie I ever make them. When I'm no longer a selfish, wandering, cynical 20 something year old, I think I could make an excellent mother.
Until then, I hope my upcoming days are filled with learning, destinations, progression, dreams, new memories, and busy activities.

This weekend will be fun and stress free. I'll live it right.

The Sun Came Out.

Nannies and Grampies make everything feel better. I think I'll stay for a spell in South Carolina this winter, either winter or spring break. My grandparents venture down for the entire winter (they live life right) and stay in Hilton Head, so I think for a week or so I'll tag along. That will give me something to look forward to. Plus, I'll be 21, and wine with old card games and stories about old NH vacations would be the relaxation I need after this semester.

I love that I'm writing when I feel like I need it, but it distracts me in my day so much. I need to save it for late nights, but then again I won't sleep. Today I should've been very busy with cleaning but I don't know where to start or pick up where I left off. So many things to donate, sort, find a home for, or get rid of. I want it to look brand new, because right now I feel like I'm 18 in it.

I was thinking how I subconsciously change everything in my life at the same time. When I was ten, I changed schools, changed rooms, and changed friends. When I got my first real job I changed my room too, and the last time I changed my room I was seventeen and I completely gutted and rebuilt that thing. I think I also started Marylous around that time. I'm a firm believer in when you have a cluttered rom you have a cluttered mind. Too bad my now cluttered mind keeps me from fixing this crazy room.
I need organizational skills desperately.

I like the point made to me last night that Halloween should start the new year. It will for me from here on out because what better time to kick off a new beginning then in a transition month of seasons changing, with a holiday where no one cares and everyones becomse EXACTLY what they want to be? It's fantastic. I had a lovely Halloween last year and met some of the coolest and most enlightened people and learned alot and had a lot of fun. I feel like it essentially continued since then, and now a year later I keep learning and gaining new ideas, which is how I want all of my days to be lived. Though I am irrational at times and overly opinionated about certain things I adore hearing what everyone else has to say about anything. We all look at the same picture, just behind different lenses.

Life's ok today.

Postcard Perfect

I think I need to get motivated.

I drove through the beautiful backroads of Duxbury, Scituate, Hingham, Pembroke and other towns this morning in the pouring gray rain. But even still I found the little fences and colonial fields and brilliant foliage to stand out and charm me. I fell in love with the ease of the drive, the quiet of the dawn and the need for me to find happiness in all the things I once loved and still do. I want to be everything I am and nothing I'm not. I was told today by a dear friend that this is a very weird time in everyone's life, so I don't feel so alone and marooned with all the questions I have and the overwhelming sensations I sometimes feel. Mostly it is with the future, but I know if I work to stay motivated and clear minded then things naturally fall into place. I just know that when I look back on my life, I want it to show progression and a steady incline, with very little plateaus or drop offs.

As much as I am romanticized by New England scenery, I can feel stagnation setting in again. I think I am turning more and more into a little old lady at heart, when the cold weather sneaks in, I want to sneak out and be warm and keep up my productivity and happiness in a warmer climate. I searched for housing and education in the Southwest today. I was nervous doing so,but I really would like a change, even for only a year. So many others have changed their worlds in one solitary year, I would like to as well. Sometimes the best part of a story is the setting.

I'm on a quest to find what makes me happy all the time. I know constant happiness is a stretch and everyone has their off days, but I'd like to feel a sense of completion somewhere. No more loose ends or "unfinished business". I never want to question emptiness in my life ever again, and I never want to compromise who I am, which I felt I might have done lately. No guilt, no regret, no wondering, and no repressed feelings. Everyone be honest with everyone else, myself included.

I think I'll take up cooking, painting, and more reading. I find them to be the most therapeutic lately. I made a lovely soup the other day with all sorts of vegetables and beans and great spices, I was really impressed! I also finished it off by baking some delicious peanut butter cookies with a plum sweet all on a rainy afternoon, and I truly enjoyed myself. I need to work on baking some things from scratch, I used to do that often, but have fallen out of the habit. Time management is also something I'll work on developing.

Toodles.

P.S. I looked at teachoverseas again... Russia still has my heart!

Today...

I missed someone.

I regretted something.

I realized a loss.

I accepted a change.

I wanted to apple pick.

I described a mistake.

I wished for company.

I drove in silence.

I forgot a name.

I considered a reunion.

I realized an old dream.

I kissed a familiar love.

I made a new promise.

I felt butterflies.


My mind is a hunter, my spirit is a nomad,
and love is a dammed stream.
But this summer was a washout,
The currents are building no doubt,
And winter frost is never too cold in dreams.

Snow in moonlight. Mittens. Neon lights.
Stillness. Drinking for warmth. Wishing for more.
Driving into indigo mountains.
Fast music. Scarves. One pillow. Shared giggles.

Dullest Day EVER.

I want my own little place so bad!

I feel as if everyone moved out of their parents' homes this year and into their own apartments. Everyone is talking about packing up and leaving and I come home from work and survey my cluttered room with the dusty beanie babies on the stereo and bamboo pictures on the wall. It seemed so small and confined and not comfortable. It wasn't decorated or laid out in a way that appeals to me anymore. Too much clutter. Too much STUFF! I feel like I need to pack it all up and go elsewhere to reorganize all my little trinkets correctly, and throw out the things I no longer need. I try and do it now, clean out my room, but no matter what I do more things pop out and it always feels cluttered and full.

Mom says that to get an apt. now is silly. I should save all I can and buy a house young to build equity. But I cant imagine living at home for another what...5 to 6 years? I want to come home to a place thats me, with carpets and worn furniture and an old T.V. set and some nice pictures on the wall and wallpaper and someday a dog. And pretty curtains. I don't even know if I could live with someone. Sometimes I really want to, and realistically, I'd probably have to since I can't afford it alone, but I'm awfully picky with that. Hence dorm living never being an option.

I really go back and forth on this alot. Sometimes I'm content to just live at home especially no where I can come and go pretty much as I please, but sometimes that makes me feel stuck and holds me back from progressing. I don't know we will see.

I'm bored and honestly started this post for that reason alone. I just got home from work and after standing mindlessly in front of an open fridge for a good 7 minutes I decided to mindlessly sit in front of a computer for a good 40 minutes...

I made decent money at work today but I feel like everyone has been in a sour mood and no one has wanted to talk. Maybe it's just me. Midweek hangovers aren't something I intend on having again anytime soon. I wish I had someone to call just to chat with without feeling like I'd be pestering.

Alright this is lame, I'm going to go watch food network and talk to Moepup, even though he hates being bugged at night.

Pleasant dreams, I hope.

It's the kaleidoscope in
treetops and sun.
When fingertips are cool and soft
And the sun is a blood orange,
juicy and fresh.

Life is laid out like a treasure chest.
And forever is something you exhale
on the back of a neck,
feeling it heavy like Bayou heat.
A scene you imagine God painting Himself
with an ancient brush of
sage bristles and a wooden oak handle.

Inhale panoramic views
white with glare.
And.

Hold. Your. Breath.

Here, Boy.

I saw it.

White and hot.

Like the western sun
reflecting off the aluminum diner,
and an open sky, color matching chipping paint.
With rusty bumpers
and a panting passenger,
wide-eyed and tongue lolling.


Dusty parking lots fade and my roaring engine
sounds like a thousand broncos across desert sands.