Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Hit me like Bricks.

I could not wake up this morning. The most awful dreams kept swallowing me back up, but I was so close to consciousness I lost the ability to tell what was really happening. Finally I broke free of them when I thought I was lost in a hostel on a tricycle with Portugese police after me.

When I walked upstairs and no one was home I felt relieved, then instantly lonely. So incredibly lonely. At this point I just want to talk to someone, sit close and have a very long conversation with someone I care about. I don't even know what I would say, what words would fly from my lips but I know once I started I wouldn't want to stop. It's such a different and bizarre feeling, but I am sick of always being the quiet one, not even "quiet" but the reserved one I guess, about everything.

I am angry with myself for proving yesterday that I am still so young. I am still very naive. I am still putting myself in bad situations that cause me stress. I saw a lot of things jeopardized running through my head, and all of a sudden I cared a little bit more about the people and things and goals I have in my life. And I feel like I have been an awful and selfish person for a very long time now and I want that to change. I miss my family. That was the first thing I really thought when I got out of that car yesterday was " I miss my family". I wonder if all idiots in that same situation instantly think of that.

I need to make myself some boundaries. I need to mature a little bit more. I paint a lovely picture in my mind that only I can control myself and my fate and I have it all figured out and I dont need to live by the rules of this world, of the "American Dream". I embrace my unconventional views and ways of thinking but at the same time they blur me from the reality of where I come from. I think sometimes I like to think I was hatched out of an egg, that I don't have to answer to anyone but myself because of the abandonment I have felt before. But I definitely have dished out that same sense of abandonment to so many in the past, and even now. I want to balance. I need to balance. I want my family back in my life again, they've been on the outside peering through foggy glass for far too long. I have to balance what is important, and what really matters. Family is a responsibility too, and a precious gift that I no longer intend to ignore.

My dad once gave me a rosebush to plant when I was about twelve or thirteen. A little note was in it that said "Pretty roses for a pretty girl", his wonderful attempt at some play on words. I found that note when I was fifteen and held a lighter to the corner of it, wanting it to catch on fire. It was slow to catch but when it did, I panicked and I put it out quickly. Only the corner was blackened and I tucked it away, knowing I was acting out of irrational anger. I found that a few nights ago and I felt I had come so far since blackening that edge. But then I realized, there were no roses, the plow had ripped them up 3 years ago and I told my dad I would buy the next rosebush. But all I still have is that blackened little notecard.

I want them to be pink and little like they were last time. And I want them to grow nice and slow like I still am. And I want only my Dad to help me plant them. And I want my mom to make me lemonade on the warm May day when I probably do this. Then I want us to go out to lunch or to play a board game and have us all hate it but laugh at the same time. And I want Teddy to come home so we can all sit home at night and watch bad reality TV and laugh until we cry. Like we used to.

Things changed alot but it isn't too late to fix them. I don't think I have to say a word about anything, just show that now I'm ready to not be such a background figure in this family anymore.

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