Vacate to wait for some new blank slate.

I've missed my after midnight posts. I have so much to write about and catch up on that I really do not know where to begin, or when I start where to end it. These last few months have been a blur of hesitation,
questions
fears
hopes
and still more waiting. I was looking at this summer as being my great escape, and I spent all last year counting the seconds until I could leave this area with hardly a look back and go where I please. But it's mid July, school's been out for two months, and all I have to show for it is some new books, a little bit of money saved, and a camping trip. Thinking about my lack of exploring the other day made me incredibly bitter. So many friends and acquaintances are out in the world; in Paris, in London, across the country, at sea, in the city, or in the jungle. It's like me and everyone I know are the fuzzy ends of dandelions, and everyone caught the wind and scattered, but I'm the only one stuck to the stem.

I must say camping was fun. Unplanned and harried, it was what I would want any of my trips to be, last minute and unconventional. And though I didn't technically travel anywhere new, it was a new experience and a new face in a place with countless old memories. The days were lazy and filled with sun and the nights were blurry with smoke and rain and wine. I was able to visit my old haunts, tell old stories, and miss old friends. I thought it would be hard to leave and I would want to stay longer but when I heard the words "wanna just leave now?" I found my keys fumbling into the ignition so fast that I almost forgot to check and see if we left anything behind. And honestly if I had, I dont think I would have cared, I love the area, yes, but it's old. Also arguable, I love the "old" but dwelling in it I feel has been holding me back. The past I realize has been making me doubt myself and my future. But what I was a few years ago is nothing like I am now, or anything like what I want to be. And who knows, maybe next year/month/hour I'll completely 180 what is important to me again, and be looking for a different route to race down.

Even though the weekend escape was refreshing and needed, it leaves me thirsty for more. I thought of the word "vacation" coming from the word, obviously, "vacate" which is synonymous with relinquish. When you vacate something, you give up don't you? You vacate a home, you give it up. You vacate a dream, it is abandoned. Left empty? So are vacations our own ways of giving something up? And what is it we relinquish? For some I guess it's purely our daily routines, others it's fears and stresses, and for the more restless it is a hope to abandon ourselves. And everyone shares a common conclusion that in order to achieve this, you must first remove yourself from what you know. But wouldn't the ultimate "vacation" be the ability to escape anything you've ever known before without having to leave. To discover something new in something you think is so old and worn, it can't possibly have anything left? Or is it better to discover the new and compare it to what you vacated? I'm rambling.

But the other day it was finally beautiful out, after weeks of rain. I woke up early and went for a walk. I walked down to the bank and cashed in my coins Ihave begun to emass again and then headed for the church basement and snatched up a new book. On my way back home I passed The house at the end of my street my mom fondly calls " Whitman's finest". Its an old three decker that is falling apart, with an unpainted pickett fence and warped sidewalk blocks overrun with crabgrass. Outside in a dirty plastic lawn chair sat a shirtless man, browning his beer gut with a Bud in hand next to a handmade sign that said " This is as far as I can afford to go on my vacation". Caught off guard, I laughed pretty hard as I walked by. He smiled and waved and I asked if he's gotten any good responses to his sign. He said a few people have honked but most just wave and he claimed to be enjoying it regardless. "This really is as far as I need to go".

And I guess, for the time being, it really is.