This is nice, Today feels nice.

I like you when you are quiet because it is as though you are absent,
and you hear me from far away, and my voice does not touch you.
It looks as though your eyes had flown away
and it looks as if a kiss had sealed your mouth.

Like all things are full of my soul
You emerge from the things, full of my soul.
Dream butterfly, you look like my soul,
and you look like a melancoly word.

I like you when you are quiet and it is as though you are distant.
It is as though you are complaining, butterfly in lullaby.
And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you:
let me fall quiet with your own silence.

Let me also speak to you with your silence
Clear like a lamp, simple like a ring.
You are like the night, quiet and constellated.
Your silence is of a star, so far away and solitary.

I like you when you are quiet because it is as though you are absent.
Distant and painful as if you had died.
A word then, a smile is enough.
And I am happy, happy that it is not true.

A Taoist Day

I must be cautious,
like people crossing a stream in winter


I must be alert,
aware of danger


I must be polite,
like visiting guests


I must be simple,
like uncarved blocks of wood


I must be empty,
like a deep cave


I must be hard to see,
like muddy water

Oh no.

My creativity is pent up.

Making my fingers quick to speak

before my brain registers their words.

two separate entities

refusing to cooperate.

ee cummings is brilliant.

my feelings feel stiff

when they are loose 

so are my thoughgts

my words

my spirits

i decided today i need more yoga in my life

and less stress

and love

love love love.

Precious

Love is a seedling
in the richest of black soil.
It reaches for the sun,
green and snappy.


It's gentle roots,
young and fresh,
grip the earth with
an intention for life.


they're so tiny, so fragile.
like you eyelashes brushing my cheek
as your lips rest on my neck
and we dream deeply
in the night.
Rooted.
By eyelashes. Lips. Love.

Not sure, but I can't sleep again.

It's nothing but a party

Drunk and messy

slobs and fools

lust and rage

fast and blurry

nothing lasts

everything in a moment

because forever is a mirage

a blue lake in Death Valley.

It's easy for some

impossible for many

and the rest sit by and watch

the mindless audience to a

blockbuster film

Have you seen it?

Four stars.

I'm an insomnia-ridden confused overworked lost individual. I find solace in the quiet and relish in an empty room, in my heavy thoughts.

I miss random adventures, talks of a future, assuming the best, and feeling irreplaceable.

When disposable is a common word in your vocabulary CHANGE YOUR SHIT AROUND.

Everything in life should be precious.

Currently.

Goals:

- Save money.

-Find a promising college tailored to my interests.

-move out within a year...AT MOST.

-build credit.

-be published by 30.

-travel for volunteer work.

-Visit Russia

-Accept love.

-Get a Rhodesian Ridgeback.

-do a fitness show.

Most of these are short term. So many share their goals with me and I scared myself because I never share mine. I panicked and thought I didn't have any. But I do, they're stored away in the files of my brain. My silence with them proves to me how much they mean, I keep them to myself so they wont be jinxed. Superstitions.

I also need some clarity with things. I think I'm getting ahead of myself though. I need to find out where I stand before I ask for the opinions of others.

I want my apartment/condo/ whatever I can afford to be kitchy and quaint and full of character and charm. It needs to be a home, not just a place to sleep. That's what I want, my own home.

I post the same crap over and over.

Well, I haven't written one of these for a while. I've had the urge to for quite some time, but my thinking hasn't been very clear and my view on things were rather negative. Unfortunately they still are I suppose.

I'm just starting to realize what little my home has left to offer me. I feel like so many things in my life are failing rather than flourishing. My health, my relationships, my desire for school, etc. Even things I used to love to do feel more like chores. I know it's just me being stressed about how I'm feeling with my health, but it's hard to keep a clear mind when you feel like you're swimming alone in the deep end. I need to go back to when I had solid support and good people in my life. Not that who I surround myself now aren't nice people, but that's just it. I feel replaceable to them and sometimes they do to me as well. I'd like to have some kind of intimacy with different people back in my life. Personal connections shouldn't be something that feels few and far between.

Catherine and I went for a drive a few days ago. I like when we do this because even though we seem to lead the exact opposite lives, we deal with many of the same questions and issues. The sun was hazy and my car was hot and Lady Gaga was on the radio. We were discussing different times when our lives did complete 180's, when we had something that seemed good but said "screw this" and did something totally different. I remember mine clearly, in 24 hrs I quit my full time job, abandoned a long term commitment, and took off to Martha's Vineyard on a whim to stay with an old lady. It led to a perfect summer of sun, laughter, adventure and just me. It was perfect because I found a summer of love, but it was a love for myself. I felt like I finally had a grasp on who I was and I had never felt more happy with it. And it was because the people I was around were like minded and level headed and wanted to experience things as well. These days I don't feel that anymore. Maybe I'm not being receptive to it, I don't know but I don't want to feel replaceable. I'd like to feel special to someone again.

Maybe I'm in a rut. Maybe I'm just a whiny brat. Maybe I'm dead on with the way I'm feeling. All I know is I guess I don't want to be completely alone like I thought long before, I'd like to have something to fall back on without feeling judged or worry about what they think. Conversations don't happen as easily as I would like them to. And other conversations need to happen, but I can't seem to spit them out.

I think I'm going to try something different again. I've been saying this for a while now, but I never sit still for very long, and this has felt like an eternity. The cold won't do anymore, and the West always held such promise for our ancestors.

Manifest destiny, right? Yee haw.