VOID IF REMOVED.

you don't know me.

GET ME OUT I HAVE SOMETHING TO FIND.

I want to write so bad but I don't know where to start, what to say, I have everything to say... but today isn't a day to write. Too much. Too heavy. Emotional thinking isn't clean thinking, it's saturated and heavy and dirty and sits in your chest.

When I do feel something it's so fleeting and hard it's like a lightning strike. And it doesn't even click until you find yourself staring up, with melted shoes.

i'm just typing. come tomorrow i'll be thinking completely different.

but for now there isn't anything i don't find repulsive.

excellent word for my feelings: repulsed.

k bye.

Memory Carcass.

Well here I am again. And it's where I always want to be.
Everyone's asleep, everything is dark. The glow of a computer screen is all I need.
And my unbridled mind.

Tonight my thoughts are circling vultures in my brain, picking at memory carcasses.

Remember how cool and hard the rock was against our backs?
How the night skies swallowed us like a whale?
The waves roared like our laughter.
Eyes catching moonlight and flames.
Sugary fingers
Warm sand.
Friends.

And simple senses.

Remember the white laced curtains in the stuffy antique room?
Your four overnight bags and a squeaky pull out couch from 1973?
Giggling all night and paintings of babies and ships.
Beaches and shooting stars and ferries and fun.
You will realize the only love in life that matters,
Is to love living.

Reflect on those days and feel infinite.
Examine today and know
Infinite more will come.

Life is the ocean.
Run splashing in, full speed, and she'll resist you.
Walk slowly, know how she ebbs and flows, and she'll take you
To what you want to see.

This one was eerie.

I came to a clearing in my dream and it was a marshy pond, but almost in some kind of a crater. I had to cross the pond without getting too wet and carrying this awkward knapsack. Others crossed it before me and I was going to take their same route. But instead I deviated off to the right because the water looked less murky and more shallow. Yet, I faced pirates, my bag ripped, and in the end I was tripping over a decaying skeleton in the marsh. I woke up sweating, thinking I had to bury the skeleton outside the pond, until I realized I was already awake.

Somebody get me Nyquil, I'm done with dreaming.

BROKE.

I'll hang on, everyone will free fall.
Arms wide and laughing.
Whipping winds and messy hair.

It may ache to cling.
But they will shatter on impact
Tiny pieces everywhere.
And my muscles will gain strength.
I'll look down for the graveyard
And see a mosaic.

November Now.

Well here I am again, stuck in my personal
Robert Frost poem.

Leaves blow on both paths and sharp twigs and branches poke through,
snap. and. crackle.
It's gray out and my
purple scarf smells like my honey granola bar.
My sneakers dont protect from the chill
of the stone I balance on.

I'm here alone, it's what I envisioned this to be.
As things come together, I usually come apart.
But independence and silence
is what woods at dusk offer you.

So I take it in. Stride. One path is wide and familiar
flat and safe.
Another dips, rolls, narrows, and disappears around a large rock.
What's there? A field? Meadow? Rocky death ravine?
Who knows.
Or cares.

I'll hang out under rust colored dead leaves.
Surrounded by cold rocks and far away birds.
Spotlight sun will set and I will be here.
Until white-faced moon peeks through barbed branches,
And peers down at two paths
and a cold gray stone.
All alone.

Mind Trash.

I'm not afraid of looking and finding nothing.
I'm afraid of seeing everything I ever wanted,
Right. Here.

Life is beautiful.
Time is endless.
Friendships are treasures.
My thoughts are flawed.

Dear Me,
Snap out of it. You have it all right here. What more could you want? Why is it when life finally gives you everything you were looking for , you throw it all out for something completely different? Everything's perfect. But you're just waiting for the slightest crack in it to slip into...

"THE PAST IS ONLY THE FUTURE WITH THE LIGHTS ON"

i hate circles.

Black holes and dark matter.

I think it's time to comment on some of my crazy dreams I have because lately they have become more and more bizarre, but more and more alike. Last night I had a dream I was talking to Rory, but he was mostly just talking and I was listening, with tears running down my face. Yet, in my dream I wasn't sad, in fact I wasn't really anything, I was just trying to figure out what it was he was saying. I then noticed in the dream he was peeling through an onion, so I figured I was teary eyed because of the onion. He kept asking me why I was upset and I kept insisting I was fine if only he'd stop peeling the onion. Then he looked up and I realized he had no eyes and he asked "what onion"? and I woke up.

A week or two ago I watched in my dream my 6 year old self beat up essentially her twin while I fought what seemed to be my twin. As we kicked and swung at eachother, in my old Abington apartment from when I was very little, she stopped and asked what waswrong with my eyes. It was then that I realized both me and one of the 6 yr old versions of me had no eyes...just black holes.

I asked my mom what she thought and she suggested maybe I fear people not seeing me for who I really am, or a sense of not being able to see things for myself. I don't like to think of these dreams as a manifestation of any type of fear though, because I know I have nothing to fear in my life. Unfortunately though I am feeling rather under accomplished and find myself struggling to stay positive. Who am I kidding, I feel utterly clueless. I just feel aimless and circling. I KNOW life is a "circle" but I HATE thinking of it like that, I want to march forward, straight line going straight up. Circles just make me dizzy.

Someone in math told me today that there are two types of people in the world. One type will stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon and gasp at the splendor that nature created and see only beauty and magic. The other will throw a few rocks down and say "it's a big hole".

I hope something strikes me when I see it.