Tender Lover

 

Here lies the tendered lover

Who once dwelled within me.

Mother Earth, receive such an honored guest!

Now that she is emptied of her poetry.

anxiousity.

I keep having odd bouts of anxiety as of late. They come on steadily at times, and then others I wake up with them gripping my gut and perpetuating my mouth into a frown.

This makes me nervous.

I used to worry a lot as a kid. I worried about things I couldn't control, like tornadoes or car accidents; silly things really. I had nightmares often, and I still have them now; they are getting harder to control.

I've started to turn to relaxation techniques. Deep breathing, mental separation, yoga, etc. Yoga has actually helped a lot, just focusing on nothing but my breath and body has already done wonders for me. It teaches me to stop and really examine what eaxactly makes me feel the creeping panic. Today in the shower for example, my stomach started to flip, like the feeling you get before a big test you didn't really study for, or if you are running late to work for the third day in a row. I couldn't understand this sudden onset of anxiety. I had just come from hot power yoga, eaten a wonderful vegetarian lunch with my beautiful gal pal, was all caught up on my school assignments, and didn't have work until later. I examined each of these truths and breathed through them. I'm sure this sounds hippy dippy but it helped. Just breathing. It's all I could do at the moment.

I thought about the mental clutter I accumulate, and how that translates to the physical. I cleaned my room. I changed my bed. I vacuumed. I made things feel fresh again

And then I remembered what the instructor in yoga said this morning.

"Yoga and meditation does not change you; it reminds you of who you are and how you enter the world. You enter with the inhale, and exit on the exhale."

And that's all I can do for now is breathe deep.

SALT

its the crystals that catch light
on the rocks in my hand
the sparkles you see
on asphalt and sand
its the taste of the oceans
my blood
and the briny wind that whips my face,
I like my lips to savor
Summer Afternoon's Lingering Taste.

The light is off, but my mind is sharp.

I feel crazed right now.


Uneasy, anxious, restless. On the verge of tears over nothing. or everything.


I'm losing myself again. Into mundane routines, and forgettable faces and awful attitudes.
 I ran on the beach the other night,


It was the first time I saw her since...well maybe last summer.


It was the first "warm" night of the season and she was rolling eagerly to the shore.
The roar of her tumbling onto the sand, the sounds of the pebbles running under her pull.


I ran fast. I knew I would tire quickly but it felt great to break free. I wasn't on a treadmill. Not on a lined track. Not even a carved path in the woods. So I zig zagged.


I jumped over rocks, I dashed through thick sand, I skirted the waters' edge daring her to lap against my brand new nikes.


I sped like a jaeger down the beach. Transatlanticism crooned in my ear. Softly so I could hear the sea. How fitting. 


"I need you so much closer.."


I ran through the burning cramp in my side. My chest heaved as my oxygen-starved lungs gulped in the briny air. Twice I stumbled, and on the third time I allowed myself to collapse in the damp sand. There I sat, the night sky incasing me and her in a velvety blanket of indigo and stars. 


Ahead was a sand castle.


In many aspects it was perfect. 


About three feet ahead of me it stood, looking out into her. Two large towers flanked a center rectangular fortress with  many twigs and dried seaweed sticking out. I waited, as high tide became inevitable. She ebbed and flowed, easy at first, coming on subtly, like a romantic gesture. The castle stood straight, not even its outer edges crumbled. 


One mighty wave jumped higher than the others had. She was persistent, and when the foam fizzed into the sand, I was slightly shocked to see only half a tower missing. The castle was strong. Resistant. It did not want to give in. 


But both me and the small sand castle knew what was ahead. It would relinquish itself back to the ocean. That is where it had come from. Where everything comes from.


But I felt it my duty to stay, I was the only one witnessing such a fine creation crumbling to its end.


It was gradual, no single wave destroyed it. She took it back slowly, but she knew it would be hers. A patient hunter she had no need to hurry. I waited.


Would she take me too? I was hers. 
I imagined myself staying rooted in the middle of the beach, as the ocean slowly rose with the moon, as my breath turned into bubbles and my body became weightless.


"Your love is gonna drown."

Where have you gone abstract thought?

I'm blank.

Like this page. 

I have no creativity, 

I am despaired by it.

I am a writer

With no words.

I am the thinker

With no thoughts.

I am the traveller

Who is lost?

Surprisingly,  some of my best posts came out of my deepest depression. 

When I felt the most in tune with my thoughts and emotions,

as raw and violent and dark as they were.

Now I feel marooned, alone.

I'm on a distant island

that is empty

I am not sad

I am not quite happy either.

I am waiting

Open to thoughts,

to ideas,

But I am only...........................................................................................................

...empty.

This is nice, Today feels nice.

I like you when you are quiet because it is as though you are absent,
and you hear me from far away, and my voice does not touch you.
It looks as though your eyes had flown away
and it looks as if a kiss had sealed your mouth.

Like all things are full of my soul
You emerge from the things, full of my soul.
Dream butterfly, you look like my soul,
and you look like a melancoly word.

I like you when you are quiet and it is as though you are distant.
It is as though you are complaining, butterfly in lullaby.
And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you:
let me fall quiet with your own silence.

Let me also speak to you with your silence
Clear like a lamp, simple like a ring.
You are like the night, quiet and constellated.
Your silence is of a star, so far away and solitary.

I like you when you are quiet because it is as though you are absent.
Distant and painful as if you had died.
A word then, a smile is enough.
And I am happy, happy that it is not true.

A Taoist Day

I must be cautious,
like people crossing a stream in winter


I must be alert,
aware of danger


I must be polite,
like visiting guests


I must be simple,
like uncarved blocks of wood


I must be empty,
like a deep cave


I must be hard to see,
like muddy water

Oh no.

My creativity is pent up.

Making my fingers quick to speak

before my brain registers their words.

two separate entities

refusing to cooperate.

ee cummings is brilliant.

my feelings feel stiff

when they are loose 

so are my thoughgts

my words

my spirits

i decided today i need more yoga in my life

and less stress

and love

love love love.

Precious

Love is a seedling
in the richest of black soil.
It reaches for the sun,
green and snappy.


It's gentle roots,
young and fresh,
grip the earth with
an intention for life.


they're so tiny, so fragile.
like you eyelashes brushing my cheek
as your lips rest on my neck
and we dream deeply
in the night.
Rooted.
By eyelashes. Lips. Love.

Not sure, but I can't sleep again.

It's nothing but a party

Drunk and messy

slobs and fools

lust and rage

fast and blurry

nothing lasts

everything in a moment

because forever is a mirage

a blue lake in Death Valley.

It's easy for some

impossible for many

and the rest sit by and watch

the mindless audience to a

blockbuster film

Have you seen it?

Four stars.

I'm an insomnia-ridden confused overworked lost individual. I find solace in the quiet and relish in an empty room, in my heavy thoughts.

I miss random adventures, talks of a future, assuming the best, and feeling irreplaceable.

When disposable is a common word in your vocabulary CHANGE YOUR SHIT AROUND.

Everything in life should be precious.

Currently.

Goals:

- Save money.

-Find a promising college tailored to my interests.

-move out within a year...AT MOST.

-build credit.

-be published by 30.

-travel for volunteer work.

-Visit Russia

-Accept love.

-Get a Rhodesian Ridgeback.

-do a fitness show.

Most of these are short term. So many share their goals with me and I scared myself because I never share mine. I panicked and thought I didn't have any. But I do, they're stored away in the files of my brain. My silence with them proves to me how much they mean, I keep them to myself so they wont be jinxed. Superstitions.

I also need some clarity with things. I think I'm getting ahead of myself though. I need to find out where I stand before I ask for the opinions of others.

I want my apartment/condo/ whatever I can afford to be kitchy and quaint and full of character and charm. It needs to be a home, not just a place to sleep. That's what I want, my own home.

I post the same crap over and over.

Well, I haven't written one of these for a while. I've had the urge to for quite some time, but my thinking hasn't been very clear and my view on things were rather negative. Unfortunately they still are I suppose.

I'm just starting to realize what little my home has left to offer me. I feel like so many things in my life are failing rather than flourishing. My health, my relationships, my desire for school, etc. Even things I used to love to do feel more like chores. I know it's just me being stressed about how I'm feeling with my health, but it's hard to keep a clear mind when you feel like you're swimming alone in the deep end. I need to go back to when I had solid support and good people in my life. Not that who I surround myself now aren't nice people, but that's just it. I feel replaceable to them and sometimes they do to me as well. I'd like to have some kind of intimacy with different people back in my life. Personal connections shouldn't be something that feels few and far between.

Catherine and I went for a drive a few days ago. I like when we do this because even though we seem to lead the exact opposite lives, we deal with many of the same questions and issues. The sun was hazy and my car was hot and Lady Gaga was on the radio. We were discussing different times when our lives did complete 180's, when we had something that seemed good but said "screw this" and did something totally different. I remember mine clearly, in 24 hrs I quit my full time job, abandoned a long term commitment, and took off to Martha's Vineyard on a whim to stay with an old lady. It led to a perfect summer of sun, laughter, adventure and just me. It was perfect because I found a summer of love, but it was a love for myself. I felt like I finally had a grasp on who I was and I had never felt more happy with it. And it was because the people I was around were like minded and level headed and wanted to experience things as well. These days I don't feel that anymore. Maybe I'm not being receptive to it, I don't know but I don't want to feel replaceable. I'd like to feel special to someone again.

Maybe I'm in a rut. Maybe I'm just a whiny brat. Maybe I'm dead on with the way I'm feeling. All I know is I guess I don't want to be completely alone like I thought long before, I'd like to have something to fall back on without feeling judged or worry about what they think. Conversations don't happen as easily as I would like them to. And other conversations need to happen, but I can't seem to spit them out.

I think I'm going to try something different again. I've been saying this for a while now, but I never sit still for very long, and this has felt like an eternity. The cold won't do anymore, and the West always held such promise for our ancestors.

Manifest destiny, right? Yee haw.

Not for me anymore.

I can't even begin to express the way that I feel about last night. A mix of hurt, anger, and frustration comes to mind at first, but then in the same wave a mix of relief and comfort in the next. When did I become so sensitive?

To see familiar faces all so different and exactly the same in the same breath was jarring and difficult to take in. Maybe because I feel so different, but am stuck in the same spot. I don't know I guess everything about last night broke my heart in all different kinds of ways. I can't even write what I want to say, even here I can't even express my thoughts because I want them so bad not to be true. But they're there and I hate it. And I know what I need to do for me even though it doesn't seem rational or logical. But I'm impulsive and bizarre, and I base my decisions off of feelings.

And my feelings say, pack up it's time to go.

I'm giving myself at most nine months, never again will I have a New England winter.

Albert Einstein.

1. Follow Your Curiosity. "I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious."
2. Perseverance is Priceless. "It's not that I'm so smart; it's just that I stay with problems longer."
3. Focus on the Present. "Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."
4. The Imagination is Powerful. "Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions. Imagination is more important than knowledge."
5. Make Mistakes. "A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."
6. Live in the Moment. "I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."
7. Create Value. "Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value."
8. Don't Expect Different Results. "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
9. Knowledge Comes From Experience. "Information is not knowledge. The only source of knowledge is experience."
10. Learn the Rules and Then Play Better. "You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.

I'm a big fan of this excerpt. Naturally, I found it stumbling late at night, but it really struck a chord with me. It reminded me of things I should be doing and how I should be living. I remember when I used to daydream in class, want to experience anything and everything, and lived caring about what my plans were for later. Now, I tend to shy away from experiences because I wonder "what if" or think I won't be good at something. I stress about my future and am scared if I'll ever get there or if I'll do it right. It's smart to set goals and strive toward them, but even if I don't get exactly what I want, I need to accept it's not failure. It's life. It's a surprise. It's an opportunity. There is no way you can do life wrong, just do life. Life is something that goes on, and it's all how you decide to participate it in the day to day. So many people plan for the future, think ahead saying "when I grow up..." Well I am finally realizing that "grown up" doesn't mean a college degree or a career or a savings or a fancy car or my own place. I need a life of experience and do what I need to do for myself. Because all you can control is yourself, so I'm no longer going to live worrying about approval of things I choose to do. I would never choose something for myself that I thought wouldn't be a positive experience in some sense, so I'm going to just lay off and trust ME, and MY choices and intuitions.

First order of business, my health. I'm feeling better physically and I need to continue this trend. I'm going to eat healthy, but not limit anything I want. I'm going to exercise regularly, but by no set guideline or plan. I'm going to tan on occasion, but not to "get the glow", I just really enjoy the feeling and pick me up. It's an indulgence. Wow, I just reread this and even now I feel the need to justify my choices, how crazy! I'm writing to myself, I shouldn't be questioning what I'm deciding. Hmm, I feel another list coming on to check in and reacquaint me with myself.

Hi I'm Elaine. i like dogs. i like history. i like to play outside. i like to climb around in the woods. i like to read books in the sun. 80 degrees and slightly humid is a great day to me. i want to volunteer in an animal shelter. i want to travel the world and taste it's cuisines. i want to talk to people about their stories. i want to build a school in honduras. i want to teach english in Russia. i want my job to be pleasurable, to add to my life, not BE my life. MY life will consist of travel, animals, food, people, and writing. And hopefully someone who challenges me as a human; who pushes my limits spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically. That's what I want/think about on a daily basis. It may change, but for now this is my desires and dreams and things I enjoy doing.

I used to be a cynical, senseless girl over the matter of love. Now I realize that it is the only emotion that makes people tick. They pursue things they love, be it people or jobs or money or whatever. I love late night blogging. i love my dogs. I love my family. I'm beginning to love myself. Soon, I'll begin to love and accept others, because I'm close to achieving it personally. I don't think I'll ever be a person who is ever quite "full of love" or maybe someone who quite falls in love, but I do feel it. Atleast I know I have that capability now. Interesting conclusion to come to...hmm I never knew I even had that thought kicking around. I do love, but n my own way. And seriously, everyone loves in their own way. Some do it out loud, full and passionate and everyone can see it and know it's there. I used to think I didn't love because I never felt the need to do that. But now I'm learning who I am and how I love. I guess it's quietly, a deep admiration and respect of someone or something that hold my boundless curiosity. And a sense of comfort and above all, trust. Trust is everything.

Well this was great, I really needed a check in again. Now I have to go out there and experience and take everything in so I can write it all down. I need documentation of my little revelations, I enjoy analyzing them. ::sighs:: What a load off my shoulders! And all because of a few Einstein quotes. Thanks again, Stumbleupon!

sleepless and at it again.

ok yeah, at that moment of that last bizarre post i did feel dark and moody. i do feel lost sometimes and panicking at not knowing myself. but really who does? if you say you do you're a fool. people who pretend to know things are fools.

my last post was just my mind trash again, blowing around and needing to get out. i may not quite know me, but i know elements of myself.

-im 21 years old.
-i love martha's vineyard
-i love warm weather
-i love very open skies
-i love the beach
-i love to read
-i love to find new things
-i love sharing secrets
-i love poems
-i love restaurants
-i love dogs
-i love to travel
-i love to create
-i love quotes
-i love antiques
-i love personal connections
-i love to laugh
-i love the feeling of hope
-i love exercise
-i love to pretend

this is just a reminder for myself. im tired of always forgetting.
i think i get hung up on little things. like phrases and innuendos; small details.

i forget about the big picture.

curse of the jeweler.

LOST GIRL. REWARD $$$

tips of fingers spring

sunshine rays and

intimacy

on warm beach sands

in hot upstair rooms

laughter and dreams ring like bells

in my mind sacristy.

as pure as rose petals and moonlight

as still as december nights

as lovely as a broken heart

for they're the brave ones.

forest paths, and open skies

deep briny breaths and starry eyes

roaring engines and highway signs

fast music and neon skylines

pink lightning and train rides

falling ... in what everytime?

ive had such a struggle lately with what i believe in regarding people, feelings, whats real and what is not. initmacy is real. the spirit of a person is real. is it possible to love? i feel like i can't discuss words i don't understand. is love and intimacy the same thing? i know they sort of go hand in hand but is there any difference? and when i say intimacy i don't mean sex. i mean a connection. a secret shared is intimate. a deep conversation can be intimate. a dream is intimate.

i remember a time when life was laced with intimacies. and sun and light and easy feelings. when the world looked like floral print and felt like warm cotton linens on clotheslines.

things these days are dark and heavy. full of weight careful words decisions and regrets holding back "what ifs" and dirty cobwebs. resistance and comparisons. expectations that i will never meet.

in hopes of finding something better, im trying to be something im not.

everyone else remembers me, but i forgot.

i forget most things.

im frustrated because to me this feel strange. tense hard something i have to learn.

when i always thought i would just know. but turns out i dont know anything.

except that im not very brave i guess.

i think im destined to be a crazy cat lady. too bad im allergic.

Felt Like Making A List.

HMMM...

fuck I can't even start this again....what the hell I NEED to write something soon or I'm going to explode why can't I articulate anything.

who am i

what are we doing

where am i going

how do i get there

why do i feel the need to go there

why do i make EVERYTHING harder than it needs to be.

where have you been

where have i been

and where does life go from here

it just goes i guess

so i guess that means i do too.

wish i knew where it will lead to.

scratch that no i don't. i think i'd deny it anyways, or not accept it.

wow i don't accept much of anything...

i need to quit hiding.

i feel like a 4 year old trying to learn to manage her emotions and put them into words.

Nothing like teaching an old dog new tricks.

Snooze.

I have a lot to write about but every time I start this post, my mind wanders or it sounds like I'm just rehashing things I've done. It feels like I'm not experiencing much of anything, and I'm feeling a bit stuck on auto-pilot these last few weeks. I'm excited for school though to start back up. I like having a goal and working towards it.

I'm going back to the gym and it's felt great. I like feeling and seeing my body change. It's fascinating how quickly it reacts to changes in food and exercise.

I can't even be serious about this post. My mind is cloudy and busy with thoughts of this week and now the future, which I'm actually starting to think about. If my mind isn't foggy about the past, it's racing about the future. I really need to just live in the moment. I'm getting better at it and when I do it, it feels great.

Blah, I keep rereading this and I can't even find my voice in this post. ELAINE, FOCUS.

School will get my thoughts running again hopefully. Because this feels empty and dull.

i never ask for it.

help.

Kiss me. I want you to.

"I bare my windowed self untamed and untrained
Dreams that hardly touch our complexions truest faults
If room enough for both my drowsy spirit shall fall
Bold waves tumble oh to the season of my heart
And you have offended my faith and my trust
Until all is lost into the beauty of the day
Until all is lost, until all is lost

But there's something in the way you laugh
And it makes me feel like a child
Aspects of life they confuse me
You and your thesis amuse me
Oh, after and afternoon with you."